I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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