I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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