so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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