Is it because I queefed?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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