It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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