So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
