I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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