I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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