She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
