look no pants
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
