the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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