We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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