1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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