That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
this will be a night to untag.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
