Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
