dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize