is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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