She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
