Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
