So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
