And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
