If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
