Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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