Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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