i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
