you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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