His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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