Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
