Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
