btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
