to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
