I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
