i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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