I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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