Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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