Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
