Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
