By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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