while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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