My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
