ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
