Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
