someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
