remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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