Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
