The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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