I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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