Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
"it" just moved
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
