just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
