so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize