Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
