You just made me feel so damn special
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
