Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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