why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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