I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
