when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
