lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
